I have been wanting to blog but haven't had anything in particular to blog about. I've been pretty sick for the last month. Not pregnancy sick, just sick sick. I am sure, though, that being pregnant is what has caused everything to be never-ending. Usually I don't stay sick for very long.
This month has also been strange because of the crazy Texas weather. We had two icy storms come through. One last four days, and one just one day. All five of those days there was no school for the kids and no work for Randall. No work= no pay in this household. We did file our taxes and got our return so that will help fill in the gap. It would be nice to get a tax return and not already have it spoken for. Between filling in the gap and going to CA for my sister Kari's wedding next month, we will at least not be in any more trouble.
But man, money can sure be a downer. I am currently applying for Pregnancy Medicaid to help fill in the enormous gap between insurance and medical expenses. There is an enormous gap because I don't have any maternity coverage on my individual health insurance. We were so happy to get almost completely out of debt when we bought our house and got our government stipend. It's frustrating to possibly be right back where we've been throughout most of our marriage.
I have a home. I have a husband. I have three great kids. I have a beautiful child on it's way. I think I should be very happy and very grateful for everything. But, honestly, mostly I'm stressed out about money, nervous about taking care of my kids with a baby, nervous about taking care of my regular chores and duties as a stay-at-home Mom with a newborn, and just mostly scared about mu future.
I had pretty bad postpartum after Blake. I had it after the other two as well but it has been worse with each one. I feel like I'm starting to feel the way I did post-Blake and I don't even have a kid yet to blame it on. Sure, I could blame it on the pregnancy, the hormones, my negative attitude, the fact I've been perpetually sick for the last month, among other things. But does it really matter where the blame is? The problem is that every time I am asked if I'm excited about the baby I have to dig down pretty deep in order to respond, "YES!" And then when asked if I'm excited to be having a girl.... yikes. I don't know. I always thought I'd be really excited to have a girl, but I'm not. I'm worried. Too worried to enjoy things.
Piano is going well. I'm enjoying my students and like the money. Andrew is enjoying karate-which is good because it sucks up so much money I can't believe I'm even doing it. Peter is going to be starting soccer soon, which I am over-the-moon about. I can't wait. Poor Blake needs a life and I'm such a party pooper, he's not getting much of a life from me. But he seems happy and is as silly as ever so I don't know what to do on that front.
After almost a year we finally painted a wall. It's gorgeous.
I wish I knew how to fix me.
This next month is a function for the art program that I am in charge of organizing and running. Talk about feeling way over my head. I'm not going to be on the board next year. I just hope I can get through next month. The art teacher has even suggested canceling it, which makes me feel just awful. This last school year in general it's been difficult to find volunteers, so it's just been very hard to find anyone to help me out. And when you're in charge of doing something that you don't even know what you're doing... you definitely need help.
I've got a great new system to doing chores in the house and it's been working really well. I'm hoping to get the boys to be able to help out quite a bit around the house without much side-by-side help so that when the baby comes, the house won't fall into mass chaos.
Did I mention how cute and funny Blake is? Also, we have a cat and I love him. He is a great entertainer for the boys, which has also been especially nice since I've been sick.
One more thing. Last night Blake sneaked into my bed at who knows what time. But then, at another point in time, rolled off my bed, whacking the bridge of his nose on my nightstand and falling to the floor. He's got a pretty awesome red slash mark across his bridge but is otherwise ok.
And. Yah. Valentine I was sick so I was pretty lame. I did manage to clean the whole house, including the boys bedrooms, which I told them was their Valentine's gift from me to them.
I have the best sons in the world. They are so sweet and so amazing.
