I have been wanting to blog but haven't had anything in particular to blog about. I've been pretty sick for the last month. Not pregnancy sick, just sick sick. I am sure, though, that being pregnant is what has caused everything to be never-ending. Usually I don't stay sick for very long.
This month has also been strange because of the crazy Texas weather. We had two icy storms come through. One last four days, and one just one day. All five of those days there was no school for the kids and no work for Randall. No work= no pay in this household. We did file our taxes and got our return so that will help fill in the gap. It would be nice to get a tax return and not already have it spoken for. Between filling in the gap and going to CA for my sister Kari's wedding next month, we will at least not be in any more trouble.
But man, money can sure be a downer. I am currently applying for Pregnancy Medicaid to help fill in the enormous gap between insurance and medical expenses. There is an enormous gap because I don't have any maternity coverage on my individual health insurance. We were so happy to get almost completely out of debt when we bought our house and got our government stipend. It's frustrating to possibly be right back where we've been throughout most of our marriage.
I have a home. I have a husband. I have three great kids. I have a beautiful child on it's way. I think I should be very happy and very grateful for everything. But, honestly, mostly I'm stressed out about money, nervous about taking care of my kids with a baby, nervous about taking care of my regular chores and duties as a stay-at-home Mom with a newborn, and just mostly scared about mu future.
I had pretty bad postpartum after Blake. I had it after the other two as well but it has been worse with each one. I feel like I'm starting to feel the way I did post-Blake and I don't even have a kid yet to blame it on. Sure, I could blame it on the pregnancy, the hormones, my negative attitude, the fact I've been perpetually sick for the last month, among other things. But does it really matter where the blame is? The problem is that every time I am asked if I'm excited about the baby I have to dig down pretty deep in order to respond, "YES!" And then when asked if I'm excited to be having a girl.... yikes. I don't know. I always thought I'd be really excited to have a girl, but I'm not. I'm worried. Too worried to enjoy things.
Piano is going well. I'm enjoying my students and like the money. Andrew is enjoying karate-which is good because it sucks up so much money I can't believe I'm even doing it. Peter is going to be starting soccer soon, which I am over-the-moon about. I can't wait. Poor Blake needs a life and I'm such a party pooper, he's not getting much of a life from me. But he seems happy and is as silly as ever so I don't know what to do on that front.
After almost a year we finally painted a wall. It's gorgeous.
I wish I knew how to fix me.
This next month is a function for the art program that I am in charge of organizing and running. Talk about feeling way over my head. I'm not going to be on the board next year. I just hope I can get through next month. The art teacher has even suggested canceling it, which makes me feel just awful. This last school year in general it's been difficult to find volunteers, so it's just been very hard to find anyone to help me out. And when you're in charge of doing something that you don't even know what you're doing... you definitely need help.
I've got a great new system to doing chores in the house and it's been working really well. I'm hoping to get the boys to be able to help out quite a bit around the house without much side-by-side help so that when the baby comes, the house won't fall into mass chaos.
Did I mention how cute and funny Blake is? Also, we have a cat and I love him. He is a great entertainer for the boys, which has also been especially nice since I've been sick.
One more thing. Last night Blake sneaked into my bed at who knows what time. But then, at another point in time, rolled off my bed, whacking the bridge of his nose on my nightstand and falling to the floor. He's got a pretty awesome red slash mark across his bridge but is otherwise ok.
And. Yah. Valentine I was sick so I was pretty lame. I did manage to clean the whole house, including the boys bedrooms, which I told them was their Valentine's gift from me to them.
I have the best sons in the world. They are so sweet and so amazing.
Building Heaven on Earth
Friday, February 18, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Proud of my kids
Though the past three days has been incredibly stressful to me, I'm very impressed by my children. First I'll give a shout out to Blake who is growing up so quickly, potty training like a pro. Accidents are becoming very few and far between.
Peter and Andrew wanted to be a part of the Science Fair this year. It's very hard to help a kindergartner and a 2nd grader do a science project. I guess I could have made it easier by doing more myself, but I really tried hard to have my kids do as much as possible. As a result, Andrew's project was a complete failure. I was initially a bit disappointed, but then I thought, "Why does he have to have a successful science project?" The kid thought up something he was interested in (volcanoes and lava) and ended up with a question, a hypothesis, an idea to test it, and well, a lot of ingested chocolate. He wanted to explore why volcano rocks have holes. We talked about maybe since the lava cools so quickly, when gas bubbles pop it'll cool before it fills in the gap. So he thought of something similar to lava- chocolate. We melted it then poured it into three cups. One went in the fridge, one in the freezer, and one on the counter. We ended up with no bubbles. So we talked about how the cooling may have a lot to do with the lava rock holes but that chocolate doesn't have gas like lava does. We tried blowing bubbles into the melted chocolate before cooling, but still no bubbles. Oh well. He learned a lot about lava and lava rock and also, more importantly, learned that it's a good thing to always ask questions.
Peter studied static electricity. He found an experiment online and pretty much used that. But it was just really good practice to try to critically think not just about what was happening but why it was happening and how it matters. He also got to cut up a box, which is one of his favorite things to do.
I am so proud that my kids were so excited to be little scientists. I'm proud of their questioning skills. I'm happy that they put up with my stressful attitude by the end of tonight and ended their preparations being very pleased with their efforts.
Hooray for children.
Now I need a nap for the next twenty hours.
Peter and Andrew wanted to be a part of the Science Fair this year. It's very hard to help a kindergartner and a 2nd grader do a science project. I guess I could have made it easier by doing more myself, but I really tried hard to have my kids do as much as possible. As a result, Andrew's project was a complete failure. I was initially a bit disappointed, but then I thought, "Why does he have to have a successful science project?" The kid thought up something he was interested in (volcanoes and lava) and ended up with a question, a hypothesis, an idea to test it, and well, a lot of ingested chocolate. He wanted to explore why volcano rocks have holes. We talked about maybe since the lava cools so quickly, when gas bubbles pop it'll cool before it fills in the gap. So he thought of something similar to lava- chocolate. We melted it then poured it into three cups. One went in the fridge, one in the freezer, and one on the counter. We ended up with no bubbles. So we talked about how the cooling may have a lot to do with the lava rock holes but that chocolate doesn't have gas like lava does. We tried blowing bubbles into the melted chocolate before cooling, but still no bubbles. Oh well. He learned a lot about lava and lava rock and also, more importantly, learned that it's a good thing to always ask questions.
Peter studied static electricity. He found an experiment online and pretty much used that. But it was just really good practice to try to critically think not just about what was happening but why it was happening and how it matters. He also got to cut up a box, which is one of his favorite things to do.
I am so proud that my kids were so excited to be little scientists. I'm proud of their questioning skills. I'm happy that they put up with my stressful attitude by the end of tonight and ended their preparations being very pleased with their efforts.
Hooray for children.
Now I need a nap for the next twenty hours.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Lesson learned
Saturday afternoon I got a call from my old Bishop asking if I would be willing to sing Amazing Grace at a funeral today. I was excited to be able to say yes. I had never sung at a funeral before and was grateful to be asked. I found a beautiful version on Amazing Grace as done in the movie of the same title. It adds a chorus line which is very inspiring. After editing it down and switching out a stanza, working with my pianist Sunday, and my personal practicing (so glad I can play the piano and sing), I was feeling really good. I even was worrying a bit that the song would come off as showing off instead of being appropriate for the occasion. Yup, that confident.
And then the funeral began. I walked through the viewing right before. Peter was with me, home from school sick, and wanted to look. We then sat down and proceeded to listen to two beautiful speakers. I didn't know the old gentleman who had passed away. It was fun to smile with and laugh with these family members and friends as they reminisced over their loved one. After the eulogy finish, it was my turn. I decided to sing he first verse A Capella and was given the first note. I took a breath and began. I couldn't get past the words Amazing grace before I started getting choked up. I actually decided to pause for a second to compose myself before trudging forward. It didn't get much better. Looking out at all those people who I now felt connected to, feeling the spirit of love and unity, seeing the tears in their eyes- ah man. I was toast.
I really didn't think I would have that hard of a time singing at a funeral of someone I didn't know. But getting through that song was one of the most difficult things I have ever done (in the realm of singing). But boy did I learn my lesson quickly!
I got a lot of good feedback after the funeral. I even had one of the sons come up to me and tell me how much he appreciated my song and that he would always remember it. I wanted to apologize!
But I know, I know. I didn't sing off key. I didn't botch the words. I passed to those in the audience a feeling of love and tenderness, of grace and mercy. And those feelings of being overwhelmed were the exact feelings they were going through. Part of me wonders if it would have been as touching to them if I had sung flawlessly. Just part.
This was a good first-time experience for me. I either need to stand in the foyer until my turn next time, or just sing at enough funerals that I can better learn how to channel or control my emotions.
And in the end I feel what I said to this man's son. I was grateful to be able to share this important moment with them. So, thank you.
And then the funeral began. I walked through the viewing right before. Peter was with me, home from school sick, and wanted to look. We then sat down and proceeded to listen to two beautiful speakers. I didn't know the old gentleman who had passed away. It was fun to smile with and laugh with these family members and friends as they reminisced over their loved one. After the eulogy finish, it was my turn. I decided to sing he first verse A Capella and was given the first note. I took a breath and began. I couldn't get past the words Amazing grace before I started getting choked up. I actually decided to pause for a second to compose myself before trudging forward. It didn't get much better. Looking out at all those people who I now felt connected to, feeling the spirit of love and unity, seeing the tears in their eyes- ah man. I was toast.
I really didn't think I would have that hard of a time singing at a funeral of someone I didn't know. But getting through that song was one of the most difficult things I have ever done (in the realm of singing). But boy did I learn my lesson quickly!
I got a lot of good feedback after the funeral. I even had one of the sons come up to me and tell me how much he appreciated my song and that he would always remember it. I wanted to apologize!
But I know, I know. I didn't sing off key. I didn't botch the words. I passed to those in the audience a feeling of love and tenderness, of grace and mercy. And those feelings of being overwhelmed were the exact feelings they were going through. Part of me wonders if it would have been as touching to them if I had sung flawlessly. Just part.
This was a good first-time experience for me. I either need to stand in the foyer until my turn next time, or just sing at enough funerals that I can better learn how to channel or control my emotions.
And in the end I feel what I said to this man's son. I was grateful to be able to share this important moment with them. So, thank you.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Happy New Year
Randall and I have been discussing why New Year is such a big deal. To me, New Years is similar to Easter. Easter is about rebirth, renewal. New Years has that same basic feel. Yes, Easter is much more than that, but just go with me on this one.
To me New Years is a second chance. Every night that you go to bed, especially if it's a hard day, you think, "There's always tomorrow." There is something about going to bed at night and waking up the next morning, giving yourself another chance at a better day.
A stronger sensation occurs on your birthday. That morning you awake officially another year older. It brings with it a feeling of starting again. You feel that change is possible.
In a world that is ever fluctuating, full of surprises, unknown, I feel it is a necessary human reaction to constantly need the feeling that you can start again. It's like repentance in action every day. We often have feelings of regret and disappointment. To handle that, we continually need to feel that those negative things do not continue to compound on one another. We can clear our plate, so to speak, and have courage in what has yet to come.
Then there is New Years. I think the beginning of the year brings these feelings more powerfully to mankind than any other celebration. It is a time of reflection. It is a time of remembrance. It is a time of regrets. Then it is a time of promise. A time of renewal, rebirth, re commitment. We can look in the mirror and say to ourselves with honesty, "I did these things right. I did these things wrong. This year I'm going to be better."
My New Years Resolutions this year are to 1. Attend the Temple regularly with my spouse. 2. Build my piano studio.
We have to be careful when we plan our resolutions. There are way more than two things I can work on! But I need to be realistic. I need to pick things that I am willing to work on.
And where there is a will, there is a way. But that way needs to be clear.
Too many times we make resolutions without a plan. For Family Home Evening we talked about how to obtain our goals. In order to reach a goal we need to make a plan. What things must be in place? Do we need outside help? Is there money involved? Etc etc. Then there needs to be mini-goals. I like to think of them as either stair steps or stepping stones. The only way to get to the end is to take each step along the way. So, what are those steps? You need to know them. An finally a goal takes time and patience. Most goals do not happen instantaneously. If your goal is to loose thirty pounds and tone up your muscles, you won't get there in a week. And that. is. okay.
This year I hope you all feel the power a new year can bring. I hope it feels you with hope, charity, compassion, and strength. You don't have to be perfect. You just need to keep trying. To give up on yourself is the greatest tragedy. So, take advantage and take the reins. Good luck with 2011. No matter what life brings, let's do our best.
One of my favorite scriptures. Jacob 6:12 O be awise; what can I say more?
To me New Years is a second chance. Every night that you go to bed, especially if it's a hard day, you think, "There's always tomorrow." There is something about going to bed at night and waking up the next morning, giving yourself another chance at a better day.
A stronger sensation occurs on your birthday. That morning you awake officially another year older. It brings with it a feeling of starting again. You feel that change is possible.
In a world that is ever fluctuating, full of surprises, unknown, I feel it is a necessary human reaction to constantly need the feeling that you can start again. It's like repentance in action every day. We often have feelings of regret and disappointment. To handle that, we continually need to feel that those negative things do not continue to compound on one another. We can clear our plate, so to speak, and have courage in what has yet to come.
Then there is New Years. I think the beginning of the year brings these feelings more powerfully to mankind than any other celebration. It is a time of reflection. It is a time of remembrance. It is a time of regrets. Then it is a time of promise. A time of renewal, rebirth, re commitment. We can look in the mirror and say to ourselves with honesty, "I did these things right. I did these things wrong. This year I'm going to be better."
My New Years Resolutions this year are to 1. Attend the Temple regularly with my spouse. 2. Build my piano studio.
We have to be careful when we plan our resolutions. There are way more than two things I can work on! But I need to be realistic. I need to pick things that I am willing to work on.
And where there is a will, there is a way. But that way needs to be clear.
Too many times we make resolutions without a plan. For Family Home Evening we talked about how to obtain our goals. In order to reach a goal we need to make a plan. What things must be in place? Do we need outside help? Is there money involved? Etc etc. Then there needs to be mini-goals. I like to think of them as either stair steps or stepping stones. The only way to get to the end is to take each step along the way. So, what are those steps? You need to know them. An finally a goal takes time and patience. Most goals do not happen instantaneously. If your goal is to loose thirty pounds and tone up your muscles, you won't get there in a week. And that. is. okay.
This year I hope you all feel the power a new year can bring. I hope it feels you with hope, charity, compassion, and strength. You don't have to be perfect. You just need to keep trying. To give up on yourself is the greatest tragedy. So, take advantage and take the reins. Good luck with 2011. No matter what life brings, let's do our best.
One of my favorite scriptures. Jacob 6:12 O be awise; what can I say more?
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Christmas
Andrew got up four times the night Santa came to our home. Luckily, Santa sneaked in and out without being spotted. Randall got out of the bed first Christmas morning and checked the status of the living room. Not a creature was seen but Andrew's stocking had definitely been ruffled. I got up and could hear three tiny boy voices behind Peter's door. After a quick shave and a haircut knock, I was given admittance. The boys were given the green light to come out and the excitement began.
We took a lot of pictures of everyone opening gifts. I am dumping them on FB because it's easier, so check there for all the fun details. Santa did a good job this year, though Andrew was certain Mouse Trap was not for him because it was a family game. Thankfully, by the end of the day Andrew was in love with the idea of being the sole owner of a "Rube Goldberg". Blake loves his dragon and Peter feels that Santa knew exactly what he wanted. I'd like to thank Target for our stockings. I don't know what I would have done without the dollar section. So awesome.
G&G McBeth provided new suits for the boys. The boys look so dapper we've given them their own titles. Blake is The Brain. Peter is The Muscle. Andrew is The Money Man. G&G Larsen gave each of the boys some sort of art/craft. My boys do something crafty every day without fail, so it was a huge hit. Their Great G&G McBeth gave yoyo's and a new shirt. Their GGp's AMAZE ME! I'm so grateful for the time and love they put into Christmas every year. It's so special.
Randall and I had lovely after-naps. The boys played and played without fail.
And the food! I love me some food! Bacon, eggs, homemade cinnamon rolls, and egg nog for breakfast. Ham, mashed potatoes, fruit salad, and green beans for dinner. Lots of unhealthiness in between.
But the icing on the cake for me was playing Mouse Trap as a family then singing Christmas carols over Skype to my parents.
Merry Christmas everyone!
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Christmas Eve
Christmas Eve did not disappoint. The morning began with a double batch of biscuits and gravy. Randall's brother and his family came over after breakfast. The boys opened presents (mostly gifts with wheels) as the adults chatted. My sister-in-law and myself got each other the Leven Thumps series -thank you Deseret Books. All the kids built gingerbread houses and our kid's roof was so heavy with candy, it toppled over completely. The boys also colored a bit. It was wonderful to spend this time of year with family.
Every Christmas Eve we open one present, which is always new pajamas. This year I decided to take old fleece and flannel that used to be curtains and bedding, and make snuggies and pajama pants. Last minute I thought I'd better go pick up some shirts to match and added patches to the shirts so they'd go together.
The boys were slightly confused when they began to open their gifts. Blake, always excited to open anything, exclaimed, "A blanket!" when looking at the pajama pants. I had to instruct the boys to open it completely so they could understand what they were seeing. They all pulled the pajamas out but didn't unfold them, still just thinking they were some sort of blanket. Once they realized they were pajamas, they were "all aboard!" They turned out so cute, I still can't get over it myself! (*I do need to add a cuff to Peter's pants. I hadn't realized the pj pant I used as a template was too small. But no biggie. Easily fixed.)
Next they opened the snuggies. Again they just thought it was a blanket. Again we instructed them to really look at it. Peter saw the arm holes first, Andrew yelled, "Snuggies!" and Blake yelled, "My cape!"
Eventually we started to chill, watched and fell asleep to Santa Clause 2. After putting the kids to bed I had to wake up again to get started on the rest of the night. Being pregnant, it's not so easy to wake back up. But Randall and I got into the groove of things and got things ready for the next day in a good amount of time.
Every Christmas Eve we open one present, which is always new pajamas. This year I decided to take old fleece and flannel that used to be curtains and bedding, and make snuggies and pajama pants. Last minute I thought I'd better go pick up some shirts to match and added patches to the shirts so they'd go together.
The boys were slightly confused when they began to open their gifts. Blake, always excited to open anything, exclaimed, "A blanket!" when looking at the pajama pants. I had to instruct the boys to open it completely so they could understand what they were seeing. They all pulled the pajamas out but didn't unfold them, still just thinking they were some sort of blanket. Once they realized they were pajamas, they were "all aboard!" They turned out so cute, I still can't get over it myself! (*I do need to add a cuff to Peter's pants. I hadn't realized the pj pant I used as a template was too small. But no biggie. Easily fixed.)
Next they opened the snuggies. Again they just thought it was a blanket. Again we instructed them to really look at it. Peter saw the arm holes first, Andrew yelled, "Snuggies!" and Blake yelled, "My cape!"
Eventually we started to chill, watched and fell asleep to Santa Clause 2. After putting the kids to bed I had to wake up again to get started on the rest of the night. Being pregnant, it's not so easy to wake back up. But Randall and I got into the groove of things and got things ready for the next day in a good amount of time.
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